This time of year is so exhausting for me and it's not even Thanksgiving. Not in a bad way, however, just a "full life" kind of way.

This is our third year involved in The Nutcracker. The last two years I helped with costumes, but with hand/arm issues, I am unable to be of much help. So Al and I volunteered to dance the opening scene. It's not my cup of tea but I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for the girls. Even if we only do it this once, they'll always remember the time when all four of us played together on-stage.

Truthfully the dancing and the cast has been fun, but I tend to get embarrassed and giggle like a kid. I guess that is good because it'll look like I'm smiling for the audience instead of being embarrassed. I don't like talking/being in front of large groups of people.

Now, Al on the other hand . . . Al has finally found his outlet. After 14 years of "us," hoping that Al would find something to be passionate about, he's found theatre. We found it surprising at first because he can be so shy. I'm glad he enjoys it. While it is a sacrifice for me, he's been great about helping prepare meals or picking up more housework. (I'm trying to be better about refocusing my energy when I feel overwhelmed, too.)

Al received the lead in Harvey, coming out this winter. It's only a 12-man show--no pressure! He starts rehearsals in December.

Since all this craziness is consuming our lives, we're going to do the unthinkable! . . . The Christmas tree and some of the decorations will come out before Thanksgiving. (Cringe!) I typically start the Friday after and have it all up that evening. I do the tree fluffing, lights, and garland, while Al and the kids do the ornaments. This year, Al and the kids will have to help with the tree. I'll be able to do very little but provide instruction, hence the week needed to get the tree up. The kids are excited and Al hasn't complained . . .yet.

I am so grateful for my husband! I have to be on site at work for two weeks, but those darn fluorescent lights kill me. I've barely avoided a migraine all week, but today I was hit hard. I sat in a conference room with my head in my lap, rubbing the back of my neck. I tried so hard to beat it.

I finally gave in and drove home--I was so sleepy from the migraine meds, but made it home safely.

I walked in the door, kicked off my shoes, said three words to my family, and climbed into bed.

Al didn't complain. He made sure things were as quiet as they could be. He prepared dinner and got it in the oven and the kids ready for nutcracker rehearsal.

He had plans to go out and watch a play, but was willing to take a rain check if I needed it.

I felt much better after my nap and he was able to go see the play and support our local theatre.

I'm a lucky girl.

We saw Shrek the Musical again today with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law who came down from San Francisco to watch. (Thank you to my supportive family!). As were watching the show and laughing at my husband, my brother leaned over and said, "I don't think this is the last time Al will be on stage."

I'm sure it's not. And I've been struggling with it. It's been a lot for me to handle having both Al and Samantha in the musical. Monday through Thursday nights they were gone most of three months. Sure, I didn't know what to expect and I really stressed about keeping Samantha healthy, but some days it was so difficult for me. I'm not sure if it was my own health issues or just worry/stress, but I haven't had the easiest time.

For one, almost our entire summer went out the window. We haven't had a vacation day together all summer and school starts in less than 4 weeks. And right into Nutcracker and ballet and school fundraisers, and footballs season (Al coaches). That last sentence doesn't so much matter, but the no summer time off together has really bothered me this year.

I feel a shift, not with life in general, but within me. Maybe it's my health, maybe it's my girls growing up, maybe it has to be the mirror in front of me that I put there, but I've really been struggling this summer to reorient myself in my family. I feel like it's all moving too fast, like I'm not present enough in my girls' lives, like I want to be a better wife. And for those who know me well know that that the last bit about being "a better wife" is the key. It's not that my feminism is gone, but that it's shifting.

I want to watch my girls play mom without watching them focusing on mom-work. I'd rather watch them play as doting mothers and wives. Craziness, isn't it?!

And so today, when my brother said that Al wasn't finished with the stage, he was right. And after 11 years in this small town he's making life-long friends, meeting people, and finally feels like this town is his home. And I want him to feel that, I want him to be happy here with us and have a passion.

And maybe it's time for me to be the doting wife and mother. My job isn't going away, but it doesn't need to define me. I want to play silly with my girls, make an amazing dinner for my family, and spend more time alone with my husband.