Mommy guilt

It's been a busy summer for the kids. They've been to a week of theatre camp, a week of swim lessons, a week out with our stay-cation, two weeks of vacation bible school, and the last three weeks are filled with ballet classes.

At work, I opted for the newly-proposed "summer schedule," which means I work 8.5 hours 4x week and only 3.5 hours on Friday. My hope was that we'd go camping every other weekend leaving early on Friday and that I'd get to spend more dedicated time with the girls.

It hasn't happened.

I've found that the 8.5 hours a day with the accompanied work stress leave me exhausted by the end of the day. On Friday afternoons I've taken to napping for a few hours--not at all what I had planned.

This summer has flown by and, while I'm looking forward to the routine of school, I can't help but feel like I've missed out.

Lately Alyssa has been asking me why I work. Did I choose to work? Didn't I want to spend time with her and her sister?

It all makes my heart ache because it's so much more complicated than she knows; until her own kids come along she won't understand.

So here it goes:

Alyssa,

I never thought I'd be the kind of mommy that could stay home. I felt that I would go crazy and be really unhappy if I had stayed home with you and your sister. I know myself well enough to know that depression would have lurked around the house. And, truthfully, I really like my job and the people I work with, and I would feel like I missed out. 

As you and your sister get older I feel like I've missed out on so much of your short lives. You are  both growing so fast and I don't want to miss a single second. I would love to stay home now and volunteer at your school every day and have play dates whenever you wanted. I would love to be friends with your school friends' mommies and do fun things with a gaggle of girls on the weekends.

But I made that choice to work and now it's more than a choice, it's a commitment to the both of you: it's the roof over your head, it's the Catholic school you love so much, it's the hours of ballet that you'd miss. 

My heart is torn every day with what I want and my commitment to you. 

I hope that someday you'll understand my choices and that I did the best I could. 

I love you so much!

-Mommy