Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A moment

I had "a moment" today in between pulling the recently puked-on laundry out of the dryer. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I may not have dreamed of cleaning snotty noses or asking my boss if I could call her back because my two year old was vomiting outside my office door, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I wouldn't change the short time I got with my Grammy or the stroke that left her with Alzheimer's. I got to spend some silly moments with the teenager and the child she was before me. I got to see her laugh so hard she'd fall over. And I got to hold her hand one more time before she died. I loved that woman and I miss her tremendously, but I'll never forget her spirit.

Nor would I change my mother's cancer. It completely sucks and at the beginning I would often curl into a ball and sob until I had nothing left, but it has taught me about patience and about life. I have learned to take things in stride. I used to be so uptight before her diagnosis. I even had one of my best friends notice how calm and level-headed I became. I'm so fortunate to have my mom in my life and to live around the corner from her. Some people wouldn't want to live so close to their parents, but it's worked for us.

And I certainly wouldn't change the helpless and debilitating postpartum depression that took hold of me after I had Alyssa. I am so thankful for my friend, Shannon, and my family for holding me together. It taught me how important it is to ask for help when I needed it most. I'll forever try to make up the first 8 weeks of Alyssa's life and the guilt I feel for that depression, but there is a love for my children that even depression couldn't take away.

And lastly, I wouldn't change my husband's heart surgery. It renewed my faith in something larger than me. I reached out to my family and friends and they were there for us. I found I was clam and collected. I could be the strong one when I needed to be, but my husband is the other half of me. I found myself appreciating him as my husband and the father of our girls even more. I found myself loving life even more.

I wouldn't change a thing about my life. It has shaped exactly who I am, the woman my children and my husband love, the daughter and sister I am, and the woman I want to be. I love my life!

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