Saturday, March 12, 2011

Post Number 100

I decided that for Lent I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself. And so far it's been 4 days and I am moping worse then ever. I have never been this heavy and I hate it. I was so skinny after Samantha, but I think I had a thyroid storm when she was about 6 months old--I was 105 pounds. Then came Alyssa an early delivery because she was so small. I think I was depressed before she was even born--worrying about whether or not she'd survive. So along with the antidepressants and migraine meds came 20 pounds in two years. It is a side effect of the medication to crave sweets, which are not typically my favorite. And then in the last three plus months I've been working long hours and weekends, sitting for up to 16 hours a day, and have added another five pounds to that total.

I used to be so fit, playing basketball every chance I got or just doing something active. Now I completely hate it. I have no motivation and even though we have all the necessary equipment in the garage I feel like I'm trapped in a broom closet. I can't stand to look at myself and I'm finding myself dreading the end of winter because I can no longer hide behind the heavy coats and bulky sweaters. It's enough to make me want to stay in bed and hide from the world.

I am thinking (see still no motivation) of getting a gym membership so that I have to make a commitment financially and don't want to waste money, but I still haven't got around to it. Don't know what to do about it, but it seems like I need to do something so that my kids don't think I'm lazy. I figure that if I'm fit and happy then that translates into a better mommy. Who knows maybe I'll go down and choke up the membership tomorrow.

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