Sunday, July 21, 2013

We saw Shrek the Musical again today with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law who came down from San Francisco to watch. (Thank you to my supportive family!). As were watching the show and laughing at my husband, my brother leaned over and said, "I don't think this is the last time Al will be on stage."

I'm sure it's not. And I've been struggling with it. It's been a lot for me to handle having both Al and Samantha in the musical. Monday through Thursday nights they were gone most of three months. Sure, I didn't know what to expect and I really stressed about keeping Samantha healthy, but some days it was so difficult for me. I'm not sure if it was my own health issues or just worry/stress, but I haven't had the easiest time.

For one, almost our entire summer went out the window. We haven't had a vacation day together all summer and school starts in less than 4 weeks. And right into Nutcracker and ballet and school fundraisers, and footballs season (Al coaches). That last sentence doesn't so much matter, but the no summer time off together has really bothered me this year.

I feel a shift, not with life in general, but within me. Maybe it's my health, maybe it's my girls growing up, maybe it has to be the mirror in front of me that I put there, but I've really been struggling this summer to reorient myself in my family. I feel like it's all moving too fast, like I'm not present enough in my girls' lives, like I want to be a better wife. And for those who know me well know that that the last bit about being "a better wife" is the key. It's not that my feminism is gone, but that it's shifting.

I want to watch my girls play mom without watching them focusing on mom-work. I'd rather watch them play as doting mothers and wives. Craziness, isn't it?!

And so today, when my brother said that Al wasn't finished with the stage, he was right. And after 11 years in this small town he's making life-long friends, meeting people, and finally feels like this town is his home. And I want him to feel that, I want him to be happy here with us and have a passion.

And maybe it's time for me to be the doting wife and mother. My job isn't going away, but it doesn't need to define me. I want to play silly with my girls, make an amazing dinner for my family, and spend more time alone with my husband.

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