2013 was a full year for our family: introduction to theatre for Al and Samantha, ballet recital, dancing in The Nutcracker as a family, and the lead role in a dinner theatre performance for Al. Then we have the not so good parts: Al laid off for a bit and my hand issues. Thankfully Al's unemployment was short lived. All in all it was a busy year of firsts.

We have decided to make 2014 a quieter year--a year about family. We'll be skipping The Nutcracker for the first time in three years, and after Harvey finishes there will be no auditions for a while.

So we'll celebrate Al's birthday on the 31st and on January 2nd we'll flip a switch as my mom prepares for another transplant. 

I've mixed emotions about this; we all do. She's not sick now, but healthy, which is why this is a good time to do an autologous stem cell transplant. To be sick when you aren't sick won't be fun. We are also trying to prepare the kids for the realization that they are going to see very little of her over the next few months. 

Ten years ago, after the first transplant, my mom had 5 years without a need for any further treatment. We're hoping for the same this time. And thankfully, the transplant will be much easier this time. My mom will not have to endure four to five rounds of chemotherapy. She'll have a short dose on the 2nd and another right before they re-introduce the stem cells back in her body. The whole process from preparing the cells for extraction (apheresis) through the official transplant will likely take only a month. Amazing! 

I'm so thankful for the hospitals and specialists in our area that specialize in Multiple Myeloma and stem cell transplants. If we didn't live near the Bay Area, I can't fathom what her options would be. 

And my mom . . . she's so strong. I'm so proud of her and so thankful that we are and live so close. 

Here's to a healthy, happy, and family-centered 2014! Cheers.

This time of year is so exhausting for me and it's not even Thanksgiving. Not in a bad way, however, just a "full life" kind of way.

This is our third year involved in The Nutcracker. The last two years I helped with costumes, but with hand/arm issues, I am unable to be of much help. So Al and I volunteered to dance the opening scene. It's not my cup of tea but I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for the girls. Even if we only do it this once, they'll always remember the time when all four of us played together on-stage.

Truthfully the dancing and the cast has been fun, but I tend to get embarrassed and giggle like a kid. I guess that is good because it'll look like I'm smiling for the audience instead of being embarrassed. I don't like talking/being in front of large groups of people.

Now, Al on the other hand . . . Al has finally found his outlet. After 14 years of "us," hoping that Al would find something to be passionate about, he's found theatre. We found it surprising at first because he can be so shy. I'm glad he enjoys it. While it is a sacrifice for me, he's been great about helping prepare meals or picking up more housework. (I'm trying to be better about refocusing my energy when I feel overwhelmed, too.)

Al received the lead in Harvey, coming out this winter. It's only a 12-man show--no pressure! He starts rehearsals in December.

Since all this craziness is consuming our lives, we're going to do the unthinkable! . . . The Christmas tree and some of the decorations will come out before Thanksgiving. (Cringe!) I typically start the Friday after and have it all up that evening. I do the tree fluffing, lights, and garland, while Al and the kids do the ornaments. This year, Al and the kids will have to help with the tree. I'll be able to do very little but provide instruction, hence the week needed to get the tree up. The kids are excited and Al hasn't complained . . .yet.

Al and I agreed to be part of this year's Nutcracker cast.

Why?

Al got the theatre bug.

Friday night we had our first practice. It was funny and fun. Most of us are a bunch of out-of-shape adults, but we laughed hysterically and got some exercise.

I'm not nervous about doing it, but I'm embarrassed. I don't like to be in front of a large group of people in general so this will be interesting. And I'm definitely out of my element as far as the acting thing goes. When the instructor started talking about quarter stage and I just stood there with a blank stare pretending I knew what she was talking about.

I can handle the dancing part. It's fun, but pretending for the audience is going to be challenging for me.

The main thing is that our kids are excited that we're taking part and get to be on stage with both of them.

Last weekend the girls had a ballet assessment to determine if they could move up to the next level. Alyssa we knew was ready to move, but I was on the the fence about Samantha.

The assessment came and Samantha wasn't as polished. She kept looking to the person next to her to see if she was doing it right. It was hard as a parent to watch her knowing that she wasn't feeling confident inside. I've been trying to work with her and let her know that she knows what to do, she just needs to recognize that it's inside her--she doesn't need to look to someone else.

Before this year's recital, I worked on her; reminded her that she needed to show that she was confident and prepared and not watch the dancer next to her. And when we made it to recital, that confidence was apparent and she danced really well.

During that assessment all the uncertainty came back. And when the board with the class list came out and her name wasn't on the Ballet 3 list, she was devastated. She sobbed for two hours and tried to shut herself in her room.

I gently tried to explain that she needed to show that she was confident, that she knew how dance. Inside, I wanted to hold her in my arms and cry too. I was devastated for her--I didn't want her to be so hard on herself, but I needed to be the rock.

So today she started back in her old ballet class with a smile on her face and ready to work on those few things so that she could move up. It'll come . . .

As we get ready to go back to school for another year one of those inevitable parenting realities has begun to hit me--my oldest will be 18 in ten years and possibly off to college, away from home.

The last 8 years have gone by so fast that I'm sure I'll look back on 18 and wonder how it happened. But in the meantime, I've begun to feel sad about it.

I want my children to grow up, don't get me wrong, but there is part of me that wonders if I'm still missing out on what is in front of me. Am I too busy? Do I pay attention? Should I care less about the other things in life like laundry, home repairs, etc., and more on coloring and barbies?

I suppose some of this is natural, but much of it is coming by the way of self-inflicted guilt. As my kids grow and change, I feel like spending time with them is more important than ever before. When they're toddlers they're happy generally anywhere, doing anything--at least my kids were. And they loved their daycare provider and felt just as happy there as they were at home. But the reality is I am missing them and missing out.

It's not a matter of job before family because I have a normal work schedule, but it's a matter of focusing on them when I'm off the clock. It's about making time for them whether it be dancing in the living room or playing dress-up for hours. It's about making dinners a little less complicated to spend that extra hour playing tag. It's about sitting down and listening to them; really listening and not letting my mind slip into thinking about the dirt on my kitchen floor.

This year, I'm going to try and refocus on my children so that I don't feel I'm missing out. I'll stay and watch them at ballet practice. I'll read to them every night or have them read to me. I'll play tag and we'll eat macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for dinner. But it will be okay, because they'll be happy and so will I.

Confession of a telecommuter

I'm glad that Samantha is getting the theatre experience. She's been wanting to do this since she was five or six, but was never old enough to audition. And despite what Al tells you, he is really enjoying it too. He's met a lot of new people and, in some ways, finally feels like he's part of this community, which is hard to do when you work out of town.

And while I'm enjoying the break from having to rush Samantha here or there for rehearsals (ballet and the like), getting dinner ready immediately after I shut down my work computer is wearing. Not to mention that most days I don't get much, if any, adult interaction. It's one of those things about working from home/telecommuting that people don't talk about. I sit at a desk, type emails, have a few conference calls, and when the day is done, I shut the computer off and walk into the kitchen. We have a whole 30 minutes with each other to eat dinner and off they go to the theatre for the night.

When they get home they both go straight to bed and I'm left with a lot of voiceless conversation in my head.

Take tonight for instance, or is it morning? Samantha and Al came home at 11. Samantha changed, brushed her teeth, and climbed into bed. She was out within seconds. And Al did about the same. I lay next to him wide awake with a lot to say and no one to listen.

I'll be very happy when the musical is over. We'll have three weeks before schools starts and hopefully we can remain unscheduled and relaxed and maybe catch up on the three months of missed conversation.

"Who cares!"

"Who cares!"

Those two little words can mean so much. 

My eight year old has grown increasingly irritated with her 5-year-old sister. Who knows if it's peers or age or both. I'm no psychologist.

But I'm thinking Samantha learned a good lesson tonight. 

Last weekend I bought Alyssa a desk at a garage sale. She was so excited--a desk just like sissy's. I painted it and put it back in her room. Today I added the handles and lined the drawers. Alyssa was so excited. 

So after ballet, Alyssa ran to her room, waiting to show Sissy her new, finished desk. Samantha rolled her eyes and mumbled audibly, "Who cares!" Samantha did follow and take a peak but then proceeded to her room with a sigh.

Tonight before bed, I asked Al if he had seen Alyssa's finished desk yet. So we followed Alyssa to her room and Al asked if Samantha wanted to see it. There may have been eye rolling or a "who cares" somewhere between the kitchen and her bedroom. Alyssa's response was "It's okay, Dad. Sissy doesn't love me." It was so very nonchalant. 

Samantha just stood in the doorway, stunned. I looked at her as I was clearing off Alyssa's bed and said, "It hurts, huh?

"When you roll your eyes or say 'Who cares!' it doesn't go unnoticed."

Samantha put herself to bed. 

After I kissed Alyssa I went into Samantha's room to find her buried under the covers, crying and hurt. Of course she loves her sister.

It won't stop the eye rolling or the sighing, but maybe Samantha will attempt to hold her tongue.

Not Enough Time

Nearly 6 months have gone by without so much as a peep from me. I haven't even had time to read my favorite blog links!

Life with two kids, softball, dance, and two jobs keeps us scheduled for the basics, but not much else. We've taken to scheduling even our meals, otherwise we end up eating dinner at 8. That doesn't work too well with 7:30 bed time.

And here we are in May, softball finished today and Saturday dance recital practices are just beginning; there are only three weeks left of preschool and a month left for Samantha.

And faster than the days move, the girls are changing. I've watched my confident 7 year old become shy and embarrassed. It's painful to watch, but it seems to be part of life for a second grader. I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't know what embarrassed meant. And she's growing so much--feet only two sizes away from mine!

Alyssa has become a beautiful little dancer. She's always dancing and anxiously awaiting her time back on "the big stage." She's dancing her recital dance to the same Tinker Bell song Samantha danced for her first recital, which makes it so special for me.


For now, Al and I try to take all the quiet time with the girls we can get--even if it means watching crazy improv dances for an hour every night!

Happy New Year

A guess this year I should be better about blogging. Work, school, and The Nutcracker usurped the latter half of 2011.

Here's a recap:
September and October brought school and flag football. Alyssa got in a preschool routine and loved it. She can't wait to go every day. Al co-coached the 7th grade flag football team this year. There were a lot fewer games this year and it seemed a lot fewer teams in the league.

Samantha auditioned for the Nutcracker in late September and played/danced three different parts, not including the Court Scene and finale. She was a mouse, a snowflake, and a ginger cookie. The ginger cookie was the biggest role she had--all four shows. We started rehearsing in October for a few hours every weekend.

November came with a trip to North Dakota for me. I was stuck inside a hotel most of the time and didn't see what North Dakota has to offer. I can say, however, that the people are the nicest you'll ever meet. I'd like to go back and explore there some more. They have about 7 different Native American tribes in their little state, they have oodles of oil, and beautiful prairies, from what I hear.

My mom and I became sewing maniacs and worked on several different costumes for The Nutcracker. My mom made the most beautiful platter skirts for the icicles. The girls felt like princesses. We finished up at 11:30 the night before dress rehearsal. Whew!

I started back at the gym after a two month hiatus. My pre-New Year's MO is to lose 20 pounds. I'm down five. Unfortunately, I've not done so well the last two weeks of December. We all came down with a chest/cough thingy so I've been avoiding activity. Luckily I've kept off that five pounds. I am excited to get back into the routine tomorrow after Samantha goes back to school.

We had a nice Christmas. I was so happy that the kids really only got one toy a piece. They loved what they got and were plenty happy with their gifts. Yay!



Uncle Kevin's gift--HK dress

Samantha's globe

We are hoping that Al will find a job this year and that we all are healthier and more active.

-Erin

The Recital

After a 5-minute case of the butterflies, Samantha was ready for her performance. She was dressed at 4:30 and ready to go on. She looked so beautiful. Alyssa got "fancy" too.

In hindsight I would have left Samantha's hair dirty because she had curly flyaways galore and we had to use A LOT of hairspray. Let it be known that I hate hairspray. The only reason I had any to begin with is because it helps to get ink stains out of clothes.

Anyway, Samantha performed her Tinkerbell Dance. Please excuse the graininess of the video. It's the best I've got. When all the girls are lined up, Samantha is the tall girl in the back row on the right. She is the tallest one in her ballet class, too.

Here comes the bad news . . . the videos are too big to upload. (Grandma and Papa, they'll be in the mail this weekend.)

Her last performance was part of Coppelia. Again she is in the back line on the right side. She's wearing her yellow box.

Every night since the recital Samantha dances to the Tinkerbell song. Sometimes we even get into costume.

I guess I'll have to let her audition for the Nutcracker. She's got "performance" in her blood. Don't know where that came from . . . maybe Papa. I guess it skips a generation.

Dress rehearsal

Samantha had her first full dress rehearsal last night at the Gavilan College theatre. It was organized chaos. We looked like we were going on a trip--bag of makeup, bag of quiet activities for Samantha, a jack-in-the-box costume, a Tinkerbell costume, mommy's bag of snacks for the three hour practice.

Since Samantha is in Ballet I she is only performing once--thank goodness. The classes higher than Ballet I have two performances. So last night we watched the 1 o'clock show run through their routines and then the 6 o'clock show (Samantha) got to run theirs. The 1 o'clock was confusing, but by the time they got to our time slot the girls were perfect.

At tonight's recital the class dances will happen first. Samantha's class is dancing to a Tinkerbell song. Their costumes are themed like Tinkerbell.

The second act will be the ballet Coppelia. For this performance Samantha is a jack-in-the-box in toymaker Coppelia's shop.

(Note: her collar is not yet complete. She'll have a finished collar for tonight's performance.)

I'll post video of tonight's recital sometime this weekend. Let's break a leg, Samantha!

I'm a sucker

When we were "shopping" around for an activity for Samantha I never dreamed I'd be living an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. I think I'll need some therapy after next week's ballet recital. And if she likes it--I don't see how she wouldn't since she loves the draw of the lights and the stage--then I'm doomed. Doomed, I tell ya.

We have a Tinkerbell costume for one part of the recital and then a homemade jack-in-the-box for the Coppelia part. We received our music yesterday and so we've been playing a song from TinkerBell and the Lost Treasure on repeat while Samantha practices in her costume. The hour-long repeated song isn't even the worst part--I got teary eyed when she put on the costume and she started practicing.

She's happy. I swear to you the girl was glowing. She looked so content and proud. I have no doubt that she will want to continue ballet and she will want to do the ($$) recital part again. I'm just having a hard time with the makeup part. The makeup thing gets a little too close to the Toddlers and Tiara part. But I know she'll feel exactly like a princess when I put it on.

I was never a glitz and glam girl. I was the neighborhood tomboy. This is a little out of my realm, but I'm trying to embrace it (lightly).

My Ballerina

We've been "shopping around" for some extracurricular activity for Samantha. She's talked about dance because her friends are there but loves to jump and is equally enticed by gymnastics. So I took the gymnastics plunge first thinking that she would be too uncoordinated for ballet. Does that sound mean?

Samantha is a very vivacious child, but has never been particularly coordinated. She walks around with a book attached to her nose these days and is just learning to catch a ball. I have to admit it the sports thing I just don't quite understand. I may be accident prone, but I was fearless and always doing cartwheels and jumping rope at her age.

So she tried out gymnastics this week and I was in hysterics. I was glad my mom didn't come because we would have had to excuse ourselves from the grounds for incessant giggling. Samantha is sooo uncoordinated. But she tried and was happy about it, which is what really matters. The next day, however, she was sporting a sore ankle. Hmm. I don't think so.

Today we tried out ballet--both girls got to try a class. Alyssa lasted about 15 minutes until they closed the door and she didn't see me, then she cried the rest of the routine. They finally just gave up and handed her to me. Maybe after preschool we'll try again. And so we stood and watched Samantha and I was amazed.
She is a natural. She pointed her toes like was supposed to, ran like she was supposed to, and while her plié needs some work, she surprised even me. So she's found her niche and I'm finally satisfied. While she may never throw a softball or dribble correctly, she's found what she's good at and I couldn't be prouder.   :)