Life got in the way

I took a three-year, unintentional break. Life got busy and Samantha hit 4th grade. And so here were are in 2017--Alyssa is heading into 4th grade and Samantha 7th.

In the last three years, Al has transitioned to a job he loves, working for a local elementary school. McGraw-Hill sold CTB in 2015. I spent the first year struggling with the unknown. I was one of the few "long-term" layoffs, which meant the new company could lay me off at any time or could decide to hire me. I spent the first six months turning my depression and anxiety into work. I learned how to be patient at I updated our crappy builder-grade kitchen from this into this.

Original cabinets and counter

Painted cabinets, new quartz, tile backsplash

In the last three years, Samantha has learned to play the flute. She's a natural with just about any instrument. In fact, she spent the last week playing about 10 hours of flute for fun. We had to tell her to give her mouth a break.  She stopped dancing last year, but played basketball with her 6th grade class. She also joined the inaugural robotics team at SHPS as the only girl. She loved it.

Harlequin dolls (Alyssa on right)

Alyssa is still dancing and has advanced two ballet levels in the last three years. She's got her eye on a pair of pointe shoes. She danced the Nutcracker in 2016 and had a prized role as a harlequin doll. Recently she's taken up the violin. 

I am now content with my new role with DRC, the company who bought CTB. I am working with a few folks that I've known for over 8 years, which makes things a bit easier. In August I'll be marking my 18th year in educational assessment. Yikes, I'm old!

The girls are out of school . . . I should be saying "Yipee", but as a working mother I find it challenging. They've been too sedentary thus far and I don't like it. Although I have to admit: my oldest has bronchitis and it's been super windy (25 mph) for days. That doesn't lend itself to much outdoor activity.

At dinner on Sunday night I laid down the rules:

• Mom is working and when there is a sign on her door that says "Quiet", we leave her alone.
• The girls will help Dad (who is between jobs) to clean the house throughout the week.
• The girls will read everyday. (Workbooks will come a bit later--I wanted to give them a week to enjoy).
• The girls will have a morning routine with no TV past 9 am and a maximum of 1 hour of technology time.
• Grooming and bed making are a requirement.

(I think I also need to incorporate an outdoor activity or exercise, other than ballet, once a day.)

We have the next five weeks scheduled with Theatre Camp, swim lessons, (two weeks!) of bible camp, and a stay-cation in there too. 

I'm looking forward to the camps because the girls will be occupied all day and exhausted when they come home. They begged for the two-weeks at bible camp--how could I argue with that. I'm looking forward to the stay-cation. I'm thinking a visit or two to San Francisco to play at Golden Gate Park and to walk the Japanese Tea Garden and some time in the waves in Santa Cruz. I am going to try to keep it a secret from the kids so they'll be surprised each day. 

Now that gets me excited! I need a job with a summer vacation, but I do love my job, so I guess this will do. Shoot, I've got a sweet summer schedule that has afternoons off on Friday, can't beat that!

Podcasts have been a thing for years now and I've never once endeavored to listen. I follow the blog Life in Grace and Edie has recently begun a podcast series so I gave it a shot. Man, I've been missing out!

So I googled something like "podcasts for the working mom" and stumbled on a website with several suggestions. I picked a couple to try. Now I'm hooked. 

I have to drive to San Jose twice a week. I get bored listening to the radio for an hour, so this last week I plugged in a podcast by Manic Mommies. I found myself laughing and smiling most of the ride and I completely forgot about sitting in traffic. It was such a nice change of pace. 

Now I just have to figure out how to find more podcasts that meet my interests. It makes waiting and traffic so much more manageable.

My kids and I have been confined to home this week. They brought home some childhood disease and decided to wrap it up for my birthday. Yay! The kids were excited because I had to make a grocery store run yesterday. We made it two blocks before Alyssa started coughing and couldn't breathe. So we turned around and I gathered up the inhalers and administered them. It's that time of year when I have to carry a nebulizer in the car and inhalers in my purse. And here I thought we lucked out this year.

As you might have figured out that means that we can't go anywhere near my mom or dad. She's a bit blah, which is to be expected, but I would love to at least take a walk around the block with her. Not going to happen for a couple of weeks I guess.

For now my girls are playing nicely while I continue to work. It's challenging to have to sick kids home and two-hour conference calls. Boy do I love my mute button. Now that they're older they can handle being alone for two hours; we've raised them well enough that they understand boundaries and how to behave when mom and dad aren't looking.

I took vacation this week because the girls have Thanksgiving break. I wasn't prepared for it because I didn't read through the school calendar. It's still hanging on October! Thankfully, I had some vacation left over. It's challenging to work at home when the kids are fighting in the other rooms.

We haven't done much this week, which has been nice, although the kids are often bored. The girls have been helping me prepare some dishes for Thanksgiving and some of our "Harvey meals."

I'm anticipating that there will be quite a few occasions when I'm too tired, exhausted, or emotionally overwhelmed with my partial-week single-parent life. So I've planned to make several meals this week and freeze them. From meatloaf to carnitas to curried veggies and chicken, I'm preparing for more than a few weeks of sanity helpers.

We even put up the Christmas tree and got out the more challenging or time-consuming decorations. I knew that we would be too busy, and I've already stopped feeling guilty about putting it up before Thanksgiving. This year, it was a necessity. I didn't want to feel rushed or overwhelmed.

Next week Al stats a new job and Harvey rehearsals on the same day. We're also trying to get out last appointments in before the end of the year so that they hit this year's deductible. And I finally get to see an Orthopedist in two weeks. I am anxious to determine the next steps--to get me out of this pain funk and on the road to healing. I really miss painting. For now, we'll take this last week--the calm before the storm--and be grateful for the quiet and lazy days together.

I am so grateful for my husband! I have to be on site at work for two weeks, but those darn fluorescent lights kill me. I've barely avoided a migraine all week, but today I was hit hard. I sat in a conference room with my head in my lap, rubbing the back of my neck. I tried so hard to beat it.

I finally gave in and drove home--I was so sleepy from the migraine meds, but made it home safely.

I walked in the door, kicked off my shoes, said three words to my family, and climbed into bed.

Al didn't complain. He made sure things were as quiet as they could be. He prepared dinner and got it in the oven and the kids ready for nutcracker rehearsal.

He had plans to go out and watch a play, but was willing to take a rain check if I needed it.

I felt much better after my nap and he was able to go see the play and support our local theatre.

I'm a lucky girl.

I've been thinking a lot about "Work-Life Balance," which should be called "Life" balance because there is always work in life.

Like so many parents, I struggle with that life balance, between what is required and what I want. I've been far luckier than a lot of people because I have flexibility in my work schedule where I can be a library helper once a month or drive on the occasional field trip.

I'm still a tired mother. I grumble sometimes and on stressful days I wish I could quit my job, but truthfully I'd miss it tremendously.

I've been trying to step back, outside myself a bit, and think about how I want to live my life, how I want to engage my children. For example, I know it's easier to make pumpkin bread by myself, but they get such joy out of helping and I find little ways to teach my girls things like measuring math skills. And they take such pride in what they've accomplished.

I'm learning to let the dust bunnies sit a extra few days so that I can do a messy Halloween craft with the kids. And I feel better about it. I feel happier with the time I get to spend with them and, more than that, the quality of the time I spend with them.

And I want to them to look at me and feel happy, not resentful or neglected. I want them to know I love them and that they're wonderful, beautiful children.

We saw Shrek the Musical again today with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law who came down from San Francisco to watch. (Thank you to my supportive family!). As were watching the show and laughing at my husband, my brother leaned over and said, "I don't think this is the last time Al will be on stage."

I'm sure it's not. And I've been struggling with it. It's been a lot for me to handle having both Al and Samantha in the musical. Monday through Thursday nights they were gone most of three months. Sure, I didn't know what to expect and I really stressed about keeping Samantha healthy, but some days it was so difficult for me. I'm not sure if it was my own health issues or just worry/stress, but I haven't had the easiest time.

For one, almost our entire summer went out the window. We haven't had a vacation day together all summer and school starts in less than 4 weeks. And right into Nutcracker and ballet and school fundraisers, and footballs season (Al coaches). That last sentence doesn't so much matter, but the no summer time off together has really bothered me this year.

I feel a shift, not with life in general, but within me. Maybe it's my health, maybe it's my girls growing up, maybe it has to be the mirror in front of me that I put there, but I've really been struggling this summer to reorient myself in my family. I feel like it's all moving too fast, like I'm not present enough in my girls' lives, like I want to be a better wife. And for those who know me well know that that the last bit about being "a better wife" is the key. It's not that my feminism is gone, but that it's shifting.

I want to watch my girls play mom without watching them focusing on mom-work. I'd rather watch them play as doting mothers and wives. Craziness, isn't it?!

And so today, when my brother said that Al wasn't finished with the stage, he was right. And after 11 years in this small town he's making life-long friends, meeting people, and finally feels like this town is his home. And I want him to feel that, I want him to be happy here with us and have a passion.

And maybe it's time for me to be the doting wife and mother. My job isn't going away, but it doesn't need to define me. I want to play silly with my girls, make an amazing dinner for my family, and spend more time alone with my husband.

I've come to the point where my office is going to kill me with paper. I have so much work paper and home/school stuff that is piled all around my office. I've even run out of filing space in a large 4-drawer filing cabinet!

This weekend we gave my mom and dad a nightstand that we had in the office. And just taking that out, all of the crap ended up in piles on my floor. And where there is a pile there are spiders. It's probably because they go undisturbed for long stretches.

I started to clear a work drawer out of my file cabinet so that Al could take the stuff to shred at work  He was not happy as it produced 6 brown paper bags of files. Yup. I'm a work-pack-rat. But I need the space for personal files.

Part of this started with the nightstand and the other trigger was the bill I received from a radiologist for a procedure Samantha had in 2009. Yes, you read that correctly, 2009. Four years later I get a bill. I've got to go through mountains of medical bills in her folder to find any related information.

I have not been good about filing things in order. And for Samantha's file, I should. She's got enough medical history to fill two file folders in the cabinet.

So when I get a few minutes here or there I do something small, which is easier for me to manage. After four days, I was even able to eliminate the box of personal shredding stuff--it went back a year!

Confession of a telecommuter

I'm glad that Samantha is getting the theatre experience. She's been wanting to do this since she was five or six, but was never old enough to audition. And despite what Al tells you, he is really enjoying it too. He's met a lot of new people and, in some ways, finally feels like he's part of this community, which is hard to do when you work out of town.

And while I'm enjoying the break from having to rush Samantha here or there for rehearsals (ballet and the like), getting dinner ready immediately after I shut down my work computer is wearing. Not to mention that most days I don't get much, if any, adult interaction. It's one of those things about working from home/telecommuting that people don't talk about. I sit at a desk, type emails, have a few conference calls, and when the day is done, I shut the computer off and walk into the kitchen. We have a whole 30 minutes with each other to eat dinner and off they go to the theatre for the night.

When they get home they both go straight to bed and I'm left with a lot of voiceless conversation in my head.

Take tonight for instance, or is it morning? Samantha and Al came home at 11. Samantha changed, brushed her teeth, and climbed into bed. She was out within seconds. And Al did about the same. I lay next to him wide awake with a lot to say and no one to listen.

I'll be very happy when the musical is over. We'll have three weeks before schools starts and hopefully we can remain unscheduled and relaxed and maybe catch up on the three months of missed conversation.