Alyssa reads

Over summer Alyssa was nervous about entering Kindergarten because she didn't know how to read. I tried unsuccessfully to assure her that she would learn to read in Kinder and no one expected her to read the first day. 

Fast forward to February and the beginning of Dr. Seuss season. She picked up Hop On Pop and realized that she could read it all by herself. Her enthusiasm was contagious and I drove straight to Target after school to the Dr. Seuss book display. She picked up Hop On Pop and opened it up right there and started reading to me. I had to steer her through the aisles while I finished my shopping and she kept on reading. The lady at the check stand kept her page while she scanned the book and Alyssa picked up right where she left off. 

I couldn't stop smiling. There is something beyond magical when a child finally gets it--it's almost like you can see their brains growing those connections. 

Alyssa picked up Green Eggs and Ham one night and read the book to me. She stopped in the middle and said, "I love Dr. Seuss. He helped me learn to read." Indeed he did. 

6 Weeks Post-Transplant

My mom is doing well. She's able to venture out to the store in off times. We've been taking 2-mile walks daily. She's getting her hair back slowly, too. Pretty soon the maintenance side of this whole transplant will be in place. She'll have to have the Aredia every three months and then Revlimid, maintenance chemotherapy, sometime after that. I can't recall how often she'll need that.

She hasn't had the sickness like she did after last transplant, but there is a certain amount of sensitivity or taste-shock (I'm not sure what to call it) that comes along with it. Taste is very intense post transplant: mints taste really strong, spicy things are magnified, and sweets are beyond intense.

We're planning our annual girl trips: Arizona and Las Vegas already. I was surprised when my mom asked if me and the girls were still planning to go see my Grandparents for Easter break--she wants to come too! I would have taken the 9-hour drive without her, but I would much rather she come. This has been our tradition for at least 4 years now and I can't imagine missing it. While she won't be able to come join us in the water for the daily visit to the swim center, I'm hoping that she'll be ready to jump in and play when we head to Las Vegas this summer.

My kids and I have been confined to home this week. They brought home some childhood disease and decided to wrap it up for my birthday. Yay! The kids were excited because I had to make a grocery store run yesterday. We made it two blocks before Alyssa started coughing and couldn't breathe. So we turned around and I gathered up the inhalers and administered them. It's that time of year when I have to carry a nebulizer in the car and inhalers in my purse. And here I thought we lucked out this year.

As you might have figured out that means that we can't go anywhere near my mom or dad. She's a bit blah, which is to be expected, but I would love to at least take a walk around the block with her. Not going to happen for a couple of weeks I guess.

For now my girls are playing nicely while I continue to work. It's challenging to have to sick kids home and two-hour conference calls. Boy do I love my mute button. Now that they're older they can handle being alone for two hours; we've raised them well enough that they understand boundaries and how to behave when mom and dad aren't looking.

Home again

Thursday of last week my mom came home from UCSF. Her numbers went up exponentially from Wednesday to Thursday (from 10 to 67 on platelet count, for example). She got the OK to come home. She was so excited.

In the hospital, she was expected to get at least a minimum of 1,000 calories a day, which she was barely hitting. At home, however, she's a champ. I bet she's getting 1,000 calories at breakfast. Now that she can control what she eats and eats what she wants, she's doing much better. She's been getting back in the grind slowly, with lots of breaks in between.

My kids decided to go and get sick this week with some respiratory virus and so it will be a while before I get to see her. I'm bummed, but more that my kids are sick with no end in sight.

Last week I was trying to be an encouraging mother, to advise Samantha on the choreography for the upcoming talent show. Instead it came out like this: you aren't good enough, you'll make a fool out of yourself, you don't know what you are doing. I didn't actually say those words, but my ability to articulate words of encouragement came out off cue. I figured this all out when a defeated look came across Samantha's face and tears trickled silently down her cheeks. At that point, no matter the apologies and hugs, I couldn't fix it. 

She put herself to bed--didn't want me to giver her a kiss or tuck her in. 

How can I be a better mom and not intentionally put my children down but build up their confidence? I want them to be self-confident girls. So many times I wonder if I really know what I am doing raising girls. I struggle daily with trying to figure out how to be a better parent. 

I'm currently on a bumpy path with infinite obstacles and very few successes; I don't know how to navigate this course. 

Halfway point

This Thursday, the 6th, my mom reached her halfway point or the lowest point, depending on how you look at it.

She is halfway through her stay at UCSF. She'll likely come home by Valentine's Day even though she'll feel lousy. Her numbers will be near normal or better than they were upon her entry, but her body will not feel like it's ready to go.

Her platelets and hematocrit were near zero on Thursday and Friday. On Friday she received two units of blood and one unit of platelets on Saturday. She had been doing well until then, walking one to two miles a day around the halls. Then she was hit with all of the expected side effects. The nausea has been particularly bad as the levels have dropped. On Saturday morning the nurses gave her a different, stronger anti-nausea drug. It made her so groggy that she couldn't stay awake long enough to eat much.

My dad and I drove up on Saturday to visit, but considering the side effects my mom couldn't converse with us. So instead my dad and I teased her a bit, otherwise we read the day-old SF Chronicle and watched some lame program on Animal Planet.

My poor mom kept apologizing to us, which is about all she could do. Although it was a bit of a wash, it was nice to lay eyes on her.

It'll be much easier when she gets home. She won't feel great, but she'll be at home.

Happy Birthday--transplant day

Yesterday, at about noon, my mom received her cells. She received them over a 45-minute period. There was no violent illness this time, just a funny tickle in the throat that a hard candy cured. Last night the nurses came in singing "Happy Birthday" and brought my mom a cupcake. That was day 0.

A stem cell transplant is a reboot. Today is Day 1. On Day 6 my mom will start Neupogen shots again to help produce more cells. She'll bottom out, as they call it, be the most vulnerable about days 8 - 10. They want to keep ahead of that drop by administering the Neupogen.

She's in her own private room, where she'll stay until she gets to come home. She's near another man from Hollister, and they'll get to visit one another while they're there.

I felt down yesterday and I realized that it was because I couldn't be there while she got her transplant. It's something to be celebrated and she did it alone this time. My brother and sister in law were able to go visit yesterday afternoon, which seemed to perk her up, too.