Today was Alyssa's kindergarten graduation (pics to come). It was cute and sweet and of course I got choked up when they sang a song with their Faith Partners. But after the ceremony we were the first family out the door. That didn't hit me until we were halfway home. Are we anti-social?

I dropped Alyssa at the classroom door most days and talked with a few moms on occasion--I was a visual presence at least. But each day I run home after drop off to log in to my computer and begin work. By 8 am there are usually several requests for information or work to be done or meeting preparation to make.

I'm not used to lingering around and conversing with other parents. Maybe it's that I don't allow myself that luxury or the "go-go-go" is so ingrained in my brain that I forgot what it's like to socialize.

Part of me felt guilty afterward, but I can't really pinpoint why. I wonder deep down if it affects the kids when we don't socialize. Do we teach them to isolate themselves, to be anti-social?

Last week I was trying to be an encouraging mother, to advise Samantha on the choreography for the upcoming talent show. Instead it came out like this: you aren't good enough, you'll make a fool out of yourself, you don't know what you are doing. I didn't actually say those words, but my ability to articulate words of encouragement came out off cue. I figured this all out when a defeated look came across Samantha's face and tears trickled silently down her cheeks. At that point, no matter the apologies and hugs, I couldn't fix it. 

She put herself to bed--didn't want me to giver her a kiss or tuck her in. 

How can I be a better mom and not intentionally put my children down but build up their confidence? I want them to be self-confident girls. So many times I wonder if I really know what I am doing raising girls. I struggle daily with trying to figure out how to be a better parent. 

I'm currently on a bumpy path with infinite obstacles and very few successes; I don't know how to navigate this course. 

On Tuesday night my kiddos said goodbye to my mom for a while. We joined them after dinner for a little brownie dessert and a three-week-early birthday celebration (for me). Sneaky, sneaky.

I watched how my girls interact with my parents, the silly things my parents do and the immeasurable patience they have as they listen to Alyssa read her hand-written story eight times. And
I get ignored, which is perfectly okay because in those moments I'm the wallflower, the outsider, watching my amazing children.

Having babies and toddlers is difficult--they need you completely; whereas, hitting 5 or halfway through Kindergarten, as our marker seems to be, comes with independence. In some ways it has me longing for that neediness, but then I remember we adopted a toddler last year in the form of an orange tabby. There is something so glorious and wonderful about the ages five and eight. Maybe it's their curiosity about the world (heck, last night they were the ones glued to the State of the Union address), the constant evolution of their minds as they learn new math or reading skills that they are excited about, or the desire to still include me.

Just this week alone I've had the following questions from both girls:

• Who is my birth mother? 
• Is Elvis the leader of the Elf on the Shelf?
• Can we spend my 10th birthday in Washington D.C. and visit The Capitol? (Said while watching the State of the Union address.)
• Mom, why are those kids crying? (They didn't move through a UNICEF commercial, eyes wide.)
• Why is running water important to kids in Central America?

They see everything and absorb so much more than I can fathom. I see the love, the compassion, and honesty in them. I feel so lucky that I get to watch them grow. 

Waiting for transplant

My mom was able to harvest 6.5 MILLION stem cells! The body is an amazing thing.

Pre-haircut powwow

My mom finished up on Wednesday, had the catheter out, and made it home in the evening. Now she'll stay at home for a week or two until her counts go up. She didn't need a second transfusion although her platelet count was borderline. She is healing slower than normal for her, but normal post-apheresis. She still has to stay away from people (large crowds); otherwise, use common sense.

On Wednesday night Samantha started crying during dinner. She was having a difficult time just knowing that my mom was at UCSF. I think a lot of it had to do with not being able to see her and touch her. So I texted my mom and asked that she send us a picture. Samantha's spirits perked right up once that picture of my mom came through.

Thursday was the first day in over a week that my parents didn't have to drive up to San Francisco. They slept in! My mom asked if Samantha would be willing to skip ballet that day--her hair was falling out and it wasn't going to wait.

I took the kids to my parents house to give my mom a Mohawk. Then they shaved her head. She thought it might be easier on the kids--she was right.

Samantha's turn

Alyssa's turn (with Papa's help)

Lovingly--my dad cutting my mom's hair

Gel!

Touching Gammy's buzzed head!

My girls and my beautiful mom!

So now we wait until she has to go back to UCSF to receive her stem cells. Then she'll stay for a few weeks. Until then we intend to spend as much time with my mom as we can. 

January 6--Day 5

Maybe my memory is imperfect but my mom seems so much better this time. True, she is much healthier than last time, but I'm still very surprised. I expected her to be exhausted.

This Sunday she wanted me to come over and help with a computer issue. I was very surprised when she was in her sewing room preparing to work on my last curtain panel for the family room. She had been out to the airport for lunch with my dad and to the store a few hours before.

I was thinking about the differences between this time and last time, and this, while very heavy chemotherapy, feels much more like one of her maintenance therapies.

Tomorrow my mom will start the Neupogen shots. She'll get one shot each for 6 days. The Neupogen will increase her blood counts quickly. If all goes well she'll start apheresis (stem cell collection) next week. Then she'll get two weeks off to rest and the transplant begins. Transplant is the riskiest part, of course.

She'll have to stay at USCF for 2-4 weeks, until her counts come up enough for her to come home. Then she'll have to be home with limited human contact--no family gatherings, no grocery store shopping, no visitors, etc.

*  *  *

This weekend my mom had pictures of her hairless head from the last transplant. The girls had a hard time at first. It scared Samantha a bit, but on a second look they were curious and fascinated. They brought the pictures home and hung them in their rooms. So when she does loose her hair it might be easier for them. 

January 3--Day 2 (post-Cytoxan)

My mom and dad got home around 8 last night. Unfortunately, my mom did end up getting sick as soon as they got on the highway. That was disappointing for all of us.

Because this type of chemotherapy drug can cause serious damage to the kidneys my dad kept a timer running all night. Every two hours he woke my mom up so that she could drink water and go to the bathroom. Not a real restful night, but the alternative is less than ideal.

I was surprised this morning when my mom called. She sounded fine. She said that she felt remarkably well, almost normal. And we (girls included) can see her this weekend before the drug starts knocking down her white counts!

* * *

I didn't sleep too well last night--I worried all night. I kept saying to myself They're fine. They're adults and you are an adult. They can handle this--it isn't the first time.  I did get up and check my cell phone a few times--I don't typically leave it on at night.

That got me thinking, however, that we need to come up with a plan. If my dad needs me in the middle of the night I need to know that he'll call me. He needs to know that I'll be there no matter what.

Last transplant they went somewhere without telling me (yes, they're adults), but I panicked the entire time I couldn't not reach them. My dad was also in an accident a few days after her first chemotherapy and I had to help to take care of both of them. He was on crutches and in pain and she was too weak to do much. It was surreal, but we did it with the help of my grandparents.

* * *

My girls were not born last time so the concept of hair loss is foreign to them. Alyssa (5) asked a very logical question of my mom, "Where does the hair go?" The last two days she's asked me if Gammy's hair fell out already. She doesn't understand that my mom will look normal today but in a week or so she'll be bald. My husband suggested that the girls ask Gammy if she had a picture of her without hair. She found one this morning that we'll share with the kids to help answer their questions. I'm curious what their reaction will be like. 

I'm so disgusted by the grotesque behavior that has been unfolding all over the U.S. for material things, all so stores can break even. It's sad, disturbing, and so depressing to live in a society where this is a common occurrence.

Earlier this week Alyssa and I met with her pediatrician. It was about her tonsils and adenoids, but I thought it also important that we address her ever-present, overwhelming anxiety. Some days she'll stress about how to cut a pumpkin out of paper properly. She won't stop until I agree to walk her to class and help direct her before the bell rings. Other times she'll cry about how she'll have to learn to drive and doesn't know how. She's worried about it now, at 5!

Her doctor assured me it's normal and that it all stems from the separation anxiety she's experiencing in Kindergarten. This transition was hard for Samantha, too, but not nearly this challenging or distressing.

He gave me some guidelines for helping her through each challenge, including finding humor to help her cope. Then he told me something that I had never thought of before. . . . He explained the overwhelming anxiety that we, adults, feel about things in the world, including Black Friday madness, become the fodder of late night TV comedy bits. He said that we have those programs as a way to provide humor about the crazy things in our society. It's the adult way to help ease our minds and allow us to drift off to a pleasant sleep.

I had never thought of it like that before. Interesting food for thought for sure.

Samantha had her 8-year well visit check today. I sat in the waiting room beforehand filling out the general "well-visit" questionnaire, for lack of a better term. I was checking off the discussion points I'd like to have with the doctor:

• anger
• behavior
• development
• sibling issues

I'm sure you can see the pattern. I realize kids fight and siblings get in each other's face--I was the older kid, too. I just don't remember spewing so much venom and hate--maybe it's because we were the opposite sex. I can feel Alyssa's hurt and it bothers me. 

Just yesterday Samantha mumbled that she wished she was an only child. My issue was that Alyssa simply climbed into the car for school, unprovoked. And it's like this most days. I'm sure it's all normal, but my parenting brain is telling me to find a way to calm Samantha, to guide her in the right direction. 

When we were in the exam room the doctor came in and talked about what makes Samantha happy and what makes her angry. And instead of looking away, Samantha looked him in the eye and told him about how she gets angry and how sissy doesn't give her space. And the doctor talked about negotiating with Alyssa rather than just slamming a door in her face. They had a hypothetical conversation about how Samantha could say, please give me some space now and in an hour I'll color with you. He asked her how she'd fell if the tables were turned. 

I sat back the entire conversation and said nothing. I watched Samantha, suddenly very grown up, discussing her feelings and emotions with the doctor. And she understood what he was saying and later told me that she'd give his methods a shot. 

I came out feeling very encouraged and amazed at this child sitting across from me. Lately all the frustration with sibling rivalry and dealing with hurt feelings has been overwhelming and consuming. I've failed to see this child in front of me growing and changing, trying to keep up with the changes inside her and around her. 

Today, thanks to our wonderful and encouraging doctor, I was able to take a breath, step back and see this amazing child I helped create. She's thoughtful, curious, and very articulate. And I'm so proud of my Bug.

Alyssa was anxious to start a full day of Kindergarten after Labor Day. I was surprised, however, that she found it "boring." She has been asking to go to school full time since she was 3 and now that we're here she's not so enthused.

After school, the Friday after Labor Day, she started sobbing before she even got her seat belt on. She decided that she didn't want to go to school anymore. She wanted to stay home with me.

I remember this happening with Samantha. This half- to full-day school is a huge conflict for a child. And it's not just mine, I've noticed it happening with other kids in her class as well. They're realizing that they're expected to grow up just a bit and that means more freedom from mom and dad. They're conflicted because on one hand they want to be treated as big kids, but on the flip they're afraid of what it means.

Alyssa has been worrying all summer about learning to read. She keeps telling me she doesn't know how to do it--not that I expect her to read yet--and that she won't be able to do it. I keep reassuring her that part of being in Kindergarten is learning to read and that is okay, I am not going to stop reading to her just because she can read. I promised that bedtime stories will continue.

I'm selfish. Sometimes I want nothing more than my two pajama-clad girls on each side with their baby dolls in hand listening to me read aloud. That isn't going away, but reassuring Alyssa is another thing.

So through the gasping sobs that consumed most of my Friday afternoon, she admitted that she misses coming home after school, eating lunch alone with mommy, and playing dress up all afternoon.

For as long as she'll let me I will hold her close and let her be that baby a little longer. It won't be long before she doesn't want me to walk her to class or read her bedtime stories.

Sometimes you find books at the thrift store that you wouldn't normally seek or that you didn't know existed on subjects you didn't know you wanted to read. Case in point--parenting books.

I have "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen," but it's a bit to philosophical for me. I haven't been able to stick with it for the five or so years I've had it so I doubt it will do me any good. But my mom handed me one that had me giggling in the first five minutes: "How to Behave so Your Children Will, Too!" (Hey, the kid peed in the fridge!)

I've been trying to change my own pattern of yelling at the kids and succeeded (once) for two weeks. Big feat! I can certainly do better.

Some days I'm so tired and I give the kids instructions like "Go put your pajamas on and brush your teeth." Ten minutes later they are giggling and half undressed and still haven't brushed their teeth. I don't want to get up to walk across the house to sternly tell them they should be doing X or Y. I just yell, "Hey, you aren't doing what you are told." It's a pattern and it's not pretty. I'm sure the neighbors get sick of hearing me. I don't yell anything cruel or mean or angry, it's just annoying. And if I'm annoying myself . . .

And then there is the discipline part that is challenging. We have the most behavior problems with Samantha because she pushes the limits with her little sister (as all kids do). We often resort to taking away technology, but that is starting to feel ineffective.

I thought about putting a consequence jar together so that the punishment would be that they'd have to pick a simple chore--sounds good.  But then I thought that maybe we should be reinforcing the good behavior with a reward jar instead. I already expect my kids to help with chores like cleaning the bathroom and folding laundry. Of course, I haven't implemented either.

I did notice, however, that when I was able to stop yelling for those two weeks, my kids were more gracious toward each other, they were more loving and helpful all around. So we'll see what this book has in store. If I get one simple, even minuscule, thing out of it and it works in my house then it will be worth the read.

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Coincidentally, I ran across this article just after writing this post . . . "Noticing the good in our kids"
              

"Who cares!"

"Who cares!"

Those two little words can mean so much. 

My eight year old has grown increasingly irritated with her 5-year-old sister. Who knows if it's peers or age or both. I'm no psychologist.

But I'm thinking Samantha learned a good lesson tonight. 

Last weekend I bought Alyssa a desk at a garage sale. She was so excited--a desk just like sissy's. I painted it and put it back in her room. Today I added the handles and lined the drawers. Alyssa was so excited. 

So after ballet, Alyssa ran to her room, waiting to show Sissy her new, finished desk. Samantha rolled her eyes and mumbled audibly, "Who cares!" Samantha did follow and take a peak but then proceeded to her room with a sigh.

Tonight before bed, I asked Al if he had seen Alyssa's finished desk yet. So we followed Alyssa to her room and Al asked if Samantha wanted to see it. There may have been eye rolling or a "who cares" somewhere between the kitchen and her bedroom. Alyssa's response was "It's okay, Dad. Sissy doesn't love me." It was so very nonchalant. 

Samantha just stood in the doorway, stunned. I looked at her as I was clearing off Alyssa's bed and said, "It hurts, huh?

"When you roll your eyes or say 'Who cares!' it doesn't go unnoticed."

Samantha put herself to bed. 

After I kissed Alyssa I went into Samantha's room to find her buried under the covers, crying and hurt. Of course she loves her sister.

It won't stop the eye rolling or the sighing, but maybe Samantha will attempt to hold her tongue.

Third time is the charm

I've been MIA: drowning in work and too tired to do much of anything. Things have finally calmed down and I'm resuming life. It's taking me a while.

For the third time, we attempted to potty train Alyssa and we were finally successful. She's been such a big girl and we couldn't be prouder. She's grown leaps and bounds in the last couple of months--she started to get embarrassed at daycare when she was getting her diaper changed in front of the other other kids. I think that and the fact that we've been talking about preschool had a lot to do with her readiness. She also sat me down (yes, she's almost three) and bargained with me: "I go potty. I want a Barbie from Target." I agreed. Heck if she can bargain that well at 2.11 years then I can surely indulge. So today we went down to Target and bought a Barbie of her choice. She was so excited and radiant with joy that everyone around her was smiling.

We also found out that Alyssa will do anything for chocolate. So for #1 she gets a few M&Ms or M.O.Ms as she calls them. :)

I can say that I'll be glad when diapers are gone. Potty training can be so stressful. This third attempt was definitely easier. I just had to let go of any emotion. Alyssa did scream and yell at me for at least 30 minutes on Saturday because she was scared of #2 in the potty. I just let her yell and be mad a me and when she was ready she cuddled with me. She had a nice sore throat afterward, but she needed to get it out of her system. When I wouldn't budge she moved on and today she was ready without any hesitation, hence the Barbie.

She wants to go see her Great-Grandma tomorrow to tell her she went potty. I wish it were that easy, but it's 9 hours away. So Grandma, Alyssa can't wait to see you and tell you about her "accomplishment."   :)